Breastfeeding

It was the breast of times it was the worst of times . . . Alright I don’t want to make this into a joke but that felt like an intro that would either make you stay for sure or leave immediately so, thanks to those of you who stayed. I want to first state that I know breastfeeding can be a touchy topic, it can be a trigger, and it can be something you are uncomfortable with. I completely respect and understand all of these things and will always say FED IS BEST. Now that we have gotten that out of the way, I am here to discuss my personal breastfeeding during (one that I am still on) and how both times have been very different but equally hard for varying reasons. Feeding a baby or babies is no joke and the main message here is power to to the mama’s and humans that take care of this little people. It ain’t easy.

BEAU

If you read my blog on Beau’s birth story you know that he came at 34 weeks and made quite the dramatic entry. His birth sent our lives into absolute chaos (in the very best way of course) but nevertheless there were so many things we were completely ill prepared for and for me breastfeeding has to be number one. Firstly, I thought all babies just did it, breastfeeding would come natural to both mom and baby. I had absolutely no idea when my little premie baby was born that my boob would be bigger than his head and the sheer effort it would take for him to even attempt to breastfeed would stop him from breathing. Wish this was a joke, it is not. Our first attempts at breastfeeding while Beau was in the NICU were unsuccessful to put it mildly and I felt such a sense of guilt. I had no idea what we were going to do. Well let me tell you what I did. And by we I mean ME. I pumped. On a very specific schedule. I pumped. Day and night. I pumped.

My milk came in incredibly fast when Beau was born. I had lots of it. The first surprise of breastfeeding for me was the fact when your milk comes in, for me at least, your boobs become monstrosities, they look and feel like a botched boob job and the pain is horrific (for at least 48-72 hours). I had no idea this is what happened. Now because I was pumping on such a specific schedule my milk regulated quickly and as long as I was pumping when I was supposed to the pain of too full boobies (if you know, you know) was not much of a problem at the beginning. So I pumped. I pumped for 6 weeks exclusively. I tried breastfeeding every single day. We had virtually no success. I did not know how I was going to go on but I felt a huge amount of pressure, not from anyone specifically but just in general, to continue pumping and/or attempting to breastfeed. I truly felt like there was no other choice. Well thank goodness my genius little premie baby ended up starting to breastfeed on his exact due date. At six weeks old we had one successful feed. It wasn’t much but it was something and by 8 weeks I was only having to pump a little here and there. All of this was great except for the fact my milk basically came in again as it had to adjust to the actual human now feeding. Well in case you couldn’t guess it, the rock hard boob job pain returned and it was another not fun few days. All in all not the worst, but certainly not the best.

Beau continued to do amazing, he got bigger, met milestones and I felt really proud of myself. I didn’t love breastfeeding but I felt like I had done something huge and compared to pumping it was a breeze. Just before Beau was ten months old I started giving him one formula bottle before bed. I felt a lot of guilt coming to this decision. Again for absolutely no reason other than the fact I did not know what was okay and if I was making a “bad” mom choice. He was still not sleeping through the night and my “momtuition” was telling me it was because he wasn’t getting enough milk before bed. Both my babies are lazy sleep feeders so instead of getting all the milk they need they always fell / fall asleep on the boob super quick. Well this bottle changed everything and within a single night. Yes, ONE NIGHT, I had a baby sleeping from 7PM-7AM. DREAM LIFE. From there I started to slowly wean Beau. He had his nighttime bottle, and he would breastfeed between 2-3 times throughout the day. He was an amazing eater of solids so that really helped us too. I was quite eager to stop and on the week before he turned one I gave him his last morning feed and called it a day. Quite literally the kid did not care one bit. He never asked to be fed again. He never pulled at my shirt. He just accepted we were done and we all moved on. I have to say I felt an immediate relief and I felt as though I had taken back my body. It felt good. And then I felt guilty for being so happy because I am an emotionally unstable person but that is besides the point.

Beau started out rocky but we had a relatively easy breezy. time from 2 months until we finished at one year. I will say of course I am so grateful to have been able to feed my baby and that by body was able to do that. I do not take that for granted but dude, breastfeeding is hard. Oh now I should mention baby number two and I are still going strong so let’s talk about that . . .

WATSON

Baby number two. You would think I would feel so much more prepared, and I guess in terms of being less naive about breastfeeding I was, but I felt incredibly nervous for it. If I am being very honest I was dreading it. I was dreading my milk coming in. I was dreading the thought of pumping again. I was dreading sore, cracked, bleeding nipples (Oh did I leave that out, ya that happens too). I was dreading virtually everything about it. I do not want to take away from the fact that I know I am incredibly lucky to be able to breastfeed my babies and it doesn’t work for everyone who wants to do it but I think either way feeding is such a challenge and Watty was no exception.

He latched well right away. I was pleasantly surprised by the ease at which he seemed to just know what to do. A vast contrast to my first experience. Leaving the hospital I felt like this might just be easier than I thought. Well not quite. When my milk came in a few days later I was in more agony than I remembered from the first time and truly my boobs were the size of watermelons. I was so uncomfortable and felt completely miserable. Watty was still latching fine and it seemed like everything was going okay until he got weighed. The little turkey was dropping weight and obviously that is not good. I was referred to a lactation consultant this time and my goodness did that make a huge difference! Turns out this little (now chunk) was just a bit of a lazy feeder so he was not feeding for long enough before he was falling asleep / he was just a little too comfortable. The consultant confirmed his latch was great (thankfully) so we just had to make some adjustments in positions. It was little things I never would have known to do, simple things, but all the same they made a huge difference and thankfully he did begin to gain weight at the three week mark. This is late, so trust me when I say the first three weeks were filled with self doubt and anxiety, even as a second time mama.

The early weeks were stressful but at the same time we figured it out and it wasn’t the same stress as Beau so I felt like we had dodged a bullet. But I also blocked out how absolutely exhausting feeding was. For me while breastfeeding I always feel as though I don’t have control over my own body. Especially those first six months when you are all they have. I think with Beau he was less dependent on me alone as he was able to easily take a bottle and didn’t perhaps feel the same attachment to my actual boobs. Not the case for Watson. He is much more attached. If I am near him, he wants me. Sounds nice, and it is, but it can be exhausting. We are just over ten months in and I know I am ready to be finished but he certainly is not.

I am feeling a whole lot of mom guilt right now while at the same time trying to figure out what is going to be best for both of us. I do plan to be done by his first birthday but I know he might not stop with the same ease as Beau but I feel it is something that I need to do. I mean one year is a LONG time. We have started to introduce a formula feed every once in a while in the hopes this can replace me for night times and just give him a full belly for sleep. Sleep is also not something Watson loves, but we can save that for another day LOL. I think really the main thing I have taken away from both experiences is that not one feeding journey is the same and no matter how you do it, it is hard. Feeding a baby is SO hard. For me it often has felt like the biggest challenge in motherhood so far. I know I am not alone so I guess all I can say is, mama you got this! Listen to yourself. Don’t feel pressured by anyone (including yourself) to do something that is not best for you. What is best for you is best for baby. This is advice I have yet to fully take myself, maybe baby number three will be the perfect time to do so? No this is not a pregnancy announcement (yet).

As always visit me on the gram and let me know your thoughts. Did you breastfeed ? Did you formula feed? A bit of both? Always curious to hear other experiences and know that we are in this together.

Thanks for being here babes, stay safe!

xo

JUST LEAVING THIS HERE. BEAU WAS PROBABLY NOT QUITE 3 MONTHS OLD. EVERYTHING WAS AN ABSOLUTE MESS. I NEVER IMAGINED SHARING IT, NOW I AM KIND OF PROUD OF IT SO HERE WE ARE. CHEERS MAMA!