Baby Boy #1

I have gone to write and share Beau’s birth story so many times now I’ve lost count. I often find myself diminishing the day and what happened and the trauma it caused. The funny thing about trauma is that it doesn’t always hit you when you think it should. It kind of has a funny way of sneaking up when you least expect it. My first birthing experience certainly did not go the way I expected. To this day things sneak up on me from this day and really give my anxieties a run for their money. Does this even make sense? Probably not. But I think it will. What I am about to share is something I have held onto for the last 2 1/2, soon to be 3, years. It comes in waves. Sometimes it feels like no big deal and other times it feels like the biggest deal there ever could be. Either way, this is what happened. This is my birth story of my first baby. This is going to be a long one, buckle up.

May 26th 2018 - 34 weeks pregnant -

This morning was one I was extremely excited for but not because I thought I would be having a baby. My best friend, my husband and myself were packing the car to head to Toronto for our besties wedding and then Chris and I were jetting off to Italy the next day to meet his family (who were already there). The morning was filled with last minute list checking and rushing around the house making sure everything was taken care of for the next 12 days. We would soon be away living our best gelato eating lives, poolside in Italy, or so I thought. We left the house quite early as we had a few stops to make before heading to the wedding. We popped into Chris’ work first. He had to pick something up and say goodbye to the crew. He worked for the dispatch centre in our town and unfortunately those poor ladies working would receive the call for my ambulance not long after. Next stop before we were heading out of town was to my shop to grab a few last minute clothing items and make sure everything was taken care of there. This is where everything changed . . .

Just before we got into the shop I felt like I really had to pee, that is the only way I can explain it. I had no abnormal pregnancy pains (was slightly uncomfortable, my low back was hurting a little but I didn’t feel it was anything out of the ordinary.) I zipped up to the bathroom when we got to the store and what happened from there is something I can replay over and over as if it was yesterday. Now full disclosure you are about to get a little too much information so just know you have been warned.

As I pulled up my dress and looked down at my legs I saw blood gushing to the floor. I sat down on the toilet in panic. I remember sitting there for a few seconds just saying “no, no, no, this cannot be real.” I checked once more, news flash, it was real. I grabbed my cell and called the store number. My mom answered cheerfully, ready to laugh at me for calling from the bathroom. I asked immediately to speak to Chris. I know she still didn’t think anything of it. I had no idea what I was supposed to say or do. He answered thinking I was going to ask him some silly favour (usually the case) but I immediately said, “I need you to not freak out.” His tone changed instantly. I continued to tell him I needed to go to the hospital immediately and I was coming down and it was not good. We choose not to call the ambulance (that comes later) as we were two minutes from the hospital and it made most sense to get there ASAP.

I was definitely in shock at this point. I had a quick cry from the bathroom down to the store but quickly, miraculously reeled it back in as soon as I say down in the car. I was not feeling any type of pain and this made me exceptionally uneasy. Shouldn’t I be in pain? The bleeding was not stopping. I walked into our local hospital and headed straight to the maternity ward where I had been in the care of the three doctors there for the past 34 weeks. I was told in this exact spot, only 2 days prior, that going to Italy was completely fine and I had nothing to worry about. The nurse who greeted me at the entrance went white when she saw me. I was still bleeding. She must have been relatively new as she was fumbling through everything. She paged for another nurse and the doctor right away and got me quickly into a free room. All I wanted to know was, was the baby okay. I begged her to find that out before checking me, she obliged. I’ve never felt so relieved as to when I heard his little heart beating. He was okay. But we were not out of the woods by a long shot.

IVs were put in, doctors and nurses were in and out. A doctor was going to have to accompany me in the ambulance to another hospital but he was delivering another baby so I would have to wait. There was a lot going on. I was sent to have an emergency ultrasound as I waited. Here is where things took another unwelcome turn. The same nurse who greeted us at the maternity entrance said I had to get down there immediately. She stood me up. I was still in my blood soaked dress. I had not been given a hospital gown, or spoiler alert, underwear, as that was something I chose to forgo that morning . . . ANYWAYS. She did not bring over a wheelchair she simply asked Chris to walk me downstairs to ultrasound. We were confused, but I am obviously not a medical professional, I didn’t know if I was not supposed to not sit down for some reason, so we went with it. Well if you have had the displeasure of viewing the horror film “Carrie” that is what the halls and elevator of our hospital looked like. The minute I stood back up the blood continued to gush out. I left a delightful trail down the hallway and in the elevator. This was literally with regular hospital staff and visitors casually walking by us. LIKE WTF . . . K, so we get down to the ultrasound. Chris is not allowed in. He goes to get a wheelchair as he feels the walking was insane (he was correct). Great call. Thankfully little Beauie looked perfect and was not in any distress. Me on the other hand not so lucky. It turns out my pregnancy had not been quite as easy breezy as I had been told. Despite not having pains or any real warning signs there were complications that had been missed in my previous ultrasounds, starting with the fact I had placenta previa that not one tech, doctor, or anyone else viewing my ultrasounds had found. Concerning, to say the least. Well that morning I had a severe placental abruption. It seems as though this was slowly happening over time so it was quite lucky that the baby was completely fine and growing normally, as well that it happened late enough in my pregnancy. But let’s move past all the medical mumbo jumbo for a moment and just note that the placenta which was keeping my baby boy alive had severely ruptured and was causing me to lose huge volumes of blood, quickly. This was not good.

Finally after the ultrasound, which felt like years, an ambulance was on standby to get me to another hospital when the doctor was finished delivering the other baby. We were raced down to Orillia. It was the fastest and longest drive of my life all in one. I had never been in an ambulance before and safe to say I would prefer for that to be my first and only ride. Being wheeled into the hospital as they asked questions about what had happened I felt relatively numb. I thought everything was going to blow over. I still did not realize the magnitude of what was happening to me. I was quickly hooked up to monitors for the baby, a new IV was put in, as the one put in by the very nervous nurse was absolutely horrible (so that was a treat as it was her third attempt . . .). The room quickly filled with doctors, nurses and pediatricians giving us a million different scenarios of how the coming day(s) could play out. At this point to me it still felt as though I would be monitored and perhaps put on bedrest. I really did not believe I was having a baby that day. It was way too early and something I could not wrap my head around. Well, I was very wrong and had literally no time to process it.

This was now around noon, maybe getting closer to one in the afternoon. The day was progressing and I felt like things seemed to be improving. No idea why I thought that, wishful thinking probably. I mean I was still trying to cope with the fact Italy was off the table, yes I am a complete IDIOT. The nurse came in to tell me she needed me to go to the washroom. Easily I jumped out of bed and zipped into the washroom. I sat down on the toilet and immediately felt a huge rush of what unfortunately was more blood. This time it was blood clots, the size of baseballs. Yes baseballs, I wish I was exaggerating. In that moment I knew nothing good was going to be happening that day. I remember telling myself to calm down. I was shaking so badly as I stood back up and opened the door. Chris was standing right there. I just looked at him and said this is not good. The nurse came back and told me lay down immediately and the doctor would be in to discuss what was about to happen. A few seconds later a customer of mine (whom I now consider a wonderful friend) walked in and said she heard someone from Bracebridge who was supposed to be heading to Italy was here and she knew it was me (I mean, duh right LOL). She came to my side and told me it sometimes helped to see a familiar face. I started sobbing. Not once since the initial shock of the morning bloodbath had I cried. For most of the day I had been joking with my best friend, and thank goodness she was there because she kept things feeling so much lighter than they were. A coping mechanism that clearly was not able to hold up long term. My NICU nurse friend hugged me. I was so grateful she was there. She would come to be one of the NICU angels that took care of Beau both during our surgery and in the coming days of his NICU stay.

The doctor came back soon after with papers to sign. The nurses were prepping Chris. He was told to change out of his clothes and into scrubs. Now hold on, this is one of my favourite Chris stories of all time, please appreciate that it truly lightened the entire mood (for everyone but him). He took the scrubs and looked right at the nurse and said something along the lines of you want me to be completely naked, do I take my underwear off too? You could see her holding back laughter. She said please do not take off your underwear. If you have worn or seen the scrubs they give you at the hospital the last thing anyone should ever do is be naked under them, especially if you are a man, if you know what I mean. ANYWAYS, my poor, panic stricken, husband changed into his scrubs, keeping on his boxers so not to scare an entire floor of women about to birth their babies.

I was wheeled out into the hallway. My parents, sister, best friend, Chris’ Aunt (and only Darling representative - if you know the Darling family this is very unlikely as usually there is a minimum of ten of them anytime something is going down, but as I said, they were already in Italy), stood beside me telling me it was going to be fine. I was terrified. But looking at my poor husband who undoubtedly was realizing his wife and baby might not be okay, I knew I had to keep it together and somehow I did. I waved at everyone as if I was the queen and told them “well, I am off to have a baby.” Everyone chuckled, gosh I am funny . . . wait where was I? Oh right, being wheeled away. Chris held my hand as we were rushed down the hallway. I could see the urgency in the team around me and I knew this was not routine. Chris was asked to wait in the hall and if it was possible his face went whiter at the thought of having to let me go in alone. I kissed him and walked fearfully into the operating room.

The room felt cold, sterile, and really like a scene from Grey’s Anatomy, so that was kind of cool. There was a team of doctors and nurses both for myself and Beau. They totalled around fifteen people. There was also a group of medical students (permitted by me) as this was apparently a great learning experience. So in total there was around twenty medical professionals in this one room. It was a lot. The anesthesiologist explained that if the spinal did not work I would have to be put under. As he was talking I turned around to wave to the group of people behind me. I have no idea why I did this, I thought I was being funny? My bum was facing them. I was naked. Anyways, as I turned back around I saw the size of the needle that was about to be inserted into my back, I do not recommend this, it was GIGANTIC. The spinal worked and my body went instantly numb. I was given quite a high dosage to ensure it set in fast as I am quite a large lady and my god was that a weird feeling. I was prepped for surgery very quickly with the nurses and doctors moving methodically to prepare for every scenario. Chris was invited back into the room just before everything was about to kick off. They told me it was going to be quick and to prepare to for pressure.Within just over 30 seconds, which is insanely fast, if you have had a scheduled C-section you know that is not how it goes down, Beau was yanked out. The pressure was horrifying. I will never forget that feeling. Within a few seconds his tiny little bird-like cry filled the room. Chris and I both burst into tears. The doctor checked him quickly and brought him to my face. She put him onto my cheek and told me to take it in because this would be the only time I would see him without tubes today. He was wailing when they carried him over to me but the second he touched my skin he stopped crying. I will never, ever, forget that feeling. I was his mama. He was finally here and he already knew me and I already knew him. I am legit sobbing as I write this, jeez!

They had to bring Beau immediately to the NICU but Chris was allowed to go with (thankfully). I told him to take care of Beau and that I would be fine. I know he was still scared but our baby was okay and in that moment that was all that mattered. I remained in surgery for just over an hour. Unfortunately the nerve damage was severe when they had to get him out so quickly and the aftermath of this was not cute but I will save those details for another day. When my surgery was finished I was taken to another room for recovery as I had to be closely monitored because of the severity of the situation. I also had to wait for the feeling to return to my body and let me just say that was miserable. I was in recovery for what felt like a century but was really around two / two and a half hours. Still long, trust me. FINALLY the nurse said I was being taken to my room and I would be told when I could see my baby. From the time Beau was born until the time I was able to hold him was about five hours and it was the longest five hours of my life.

Our journey didn’t end here, we did have a small stay in the NICU and other complications but in the scheme of what could have happened we both escaped relatively unscathed. My doctor said had this happened on our flight, just one day later, both myself and Beau would have died. If I had not been in exact place I needed to be in on that day the outcome could have been very different. I feel as though I could go on and on about this day and the days that followed. It was the best and worst day of my life and one that is not easy to process. My recovery was not easy, to this day, and likely forever, I will live with the nerve and muscle damage to my stomach. Would I do it over one thousand times again to have Beau? HELL yes. I never understood what people meant when they spoke about a mother’s love but my goodness, it is a powerful thing. It changes you. Having a baby changes you. Or at least it changed me, and for the better (I hope). I know our story is not unique. People suffer trauma far worse than this every day. BUT I do want to acknowledge that this day forged a path for how I would become a mother and ultimately gave me a new appreciation for the life I have. Every day is not given. Not every mother and baby are as lucky as we were. For the entire team of humans that supported us that day and made sure we were okay I am eternally indebted.

Having babies is not easy. However it happened for you, you are valid in your feelings of love, fear, pain, joy, anything. Own your experience. And make sure if your children ever make you miss a trip to Italy to be born six weeks early they owe you that trip in the future when they become professional athletes or neurosurgeons (two acceptable career paths obviously).

Cheers to all the badass mamas out there. Let me know your story, or what you thought of ours over on the gram!

xo

PS. Something I left out of this story was the fact I had fake nails, lashes and a spray tan (duh, I was supposed to be at a wedding and in Italy). I looked like such a diva at the hospital and it was everything I could have ever hoped for LOL. But also the drugs were good too (kidding, kind of).

Here it is, enjoy - - - >