POSTPARTUM PART ONE

As I sit down to write this both my children are asleep beside me. Should I be sleeping? Yes. Am I checking to make sure they are both breathing? Also yes. Welcome to postpartum / welcome to motherhood I suppose? I almost don’t know where to begin with this all. I have gone through it twice, well actually am currently going through it for the second time and my goodness postpartum is a trip. I think we all are so careful to showcase these beautiful moments we have with our babies and our families but we are, for some reason, deathly afraid of showcasing the less beautiful ones. The ones where we are broken. The ones where we are not the picture perfect parents. I know for me, I am absolutely scared of this. I was a first time mama just two short years ago and the naivety I went into motherhood with is actually laughable to me now. I had not a single clue what I was in for and I think, that, right there, is the problem. We have no clue what we are in for. The emotions, the hormones, the sleeplessness, the anxiety, the breastfeeding, the complexity of navigating your relationship, your friendships, and this tiny new being, all at the same time, it is beyond overwhelming.

I have a lot to say about this and am going to dedicate both blog posts this week to postpartum thoughts, feelings and my overall experience. I apologize if this is not what you are here for but I think it is important. I promise next week will be light, fun and full of fashion, but this week this is what I need to share. I want to share and compare between both my experiences as both have been so different. My hope is that some of you mamas will feel a little less alone at the end of all of this. This journey is so complex and this isn’t an easy topic to discuss openly. I think maybe this is why we all have a tendency to hide behind a bit of a new mom facade of everything is fine, everything is great, blah blah blah . . . because truly it is challenging to even put into words everything that goes on post baby, the fourth trimester as '“they” call it. It is so much to experience and for a lot of new moms I think we feel like we are experiencing it alone.

I want to say right off the bat everyone’s experience is different, everyone’s feelings are valid, and this is just what I have experienced in my postpartum journey thus far. Being a mother has impacted everything about my life in such a profound way, more than I could have ever imagined. I truly love being a mama to my two little boys and I would not change it for the world. BUT postpartum is HARD, it is emotional, and it is the first time in my life that I have really felt completely alone, vulnerable, and overall unsure. I am coming to learn these feelings are ones I share with many new moms but despite knowing this it is still a very difficult place to be emotionally and physically. We are thrust into this brand new role with this brand new being and OY, it is wild! So where to begin . . . Beau, my first born babe. I haven’t shared in detail often the story of Beau’s birth. He made a surprise arrival just shy of 6 weeks early. I unfortunately experienced a major placental abruption and with that an emergency C section that thankfully saved both of our lives. Beau thrived in the NICU and the care we received was unbelievably amazing for our son. HOWEVER, starting my motherhood journey out with a premie in such a traumatic way definitely left a mark on me and impacted me well beyond those first few weeks in the hospital. So let’s start at the very beginning of the first of many postpartum shocks for me, breastfeeding . . .

I had not one single bit of realistic information on what a challenge breastfeeding could, and would be. It had been presented to me many times by family members, friends, other mamas I knew, it was just what you do and it was as simple as that. It looked easy? I had no idea about your milk supply, pumping, sore nipples, baby’s ability to latch (or lack there of), none of it. I knew nothing! Beau for his first few days of life was on a feeding tube and thankfully my supply came in quickly and I was able (with help) to get him what he needed. But I didn’t have a breast pump. I didn’t even know I needed one. Well I did need one. I would come to exclusively pump for two months. I had a pumping schedule. What on earth is a pumping schedule? My god I am still traumatized to this day. My little premie baby just could not figure out breast feeding. It probably didn’t help that my boob was the size of his entire body (I wish that was a joke hahaha). Pumping, was, and is, the most stressful thing I have had to do. The anxiety I felt and honestly still feel around feeding my now two children is something I think so many women experience but don’t know how to talk about. It is hard, it is exhausting, and when you are experiencing all of this and all of the newness a baby adds in general it definitely can wear on your mental state. So whether you are breast feeding, formula feeding, pumping, or a little bit of everything know that you are doing an amazing job. If you are up at all hours of the night, I see you, shoot me a DM, I am probably up LOL . . .

I don’t recall ever having a single discussion with any mother I know prior to having a baby about the crippling anxiety that can come over you in regards to caring for your newborn. I struggle with anxiety in my regular life often but this level of anxiety was something new, something I had never encountered. The absolute worst thoughts would pop into my head at any given time. If I was walking by the banister on the second story of our home all I could picture was somehow dropping the baby over the railing and it would cripple me with fear. Even writing this now I can feel my heart rate increasing. It was truly more than I could handle sometimes but somehow I have never, to this day, spoken about this. I would cry, often. If I was alone I was probably crying. The first few months were hard the first time and they have been hard the second time. Perhaps in a different way this time around as I did feel more confident as a mom this go around. However, the anxiety is still there and it is very hard to move past some days. I find it extremely difficult to have these feelings of sheer panic and then seemingly moments later desperately needing time alone and time away from my children. There often is zero balance to any of this and it is important to really see that sometimes there isn’t an answer or solution to help. I don’t know if that is comforting but it is the truth.

In my current postpartum journey I have found that I am having massive waves of guilt for feeling that I need a break. A break from the babes, a break from my husband, a break from my businesses, all of it. All the things I love so dearly but at the same time desperately need a break from. I don’t mean I want to leave and never come back. I mean I want one hour of my day that revolves around nothing. Not feeding a baby, being head butted by a toddler, or emailing a customer. It is hard not to feel a massive sense of guilt even as I write these words. I should be so grateful that I have babies that need me and thriving businesses that require my expertise. BUT what I think we sometimes fail to regain in these early stages of postpartum is that before all of this we were just us and we still are. Re-finding myself and defining who I am outside of being a mother is what I am struggling with most. I know I need to take time throughout the day, or even just a few times in the week, for myself. For all the mamas out there that need to hear this, everything will not collapse if you take an hour, or two, or even an entire day to step away for yourself. Your world will still be intact, honestly it will probably be better off. If you take care of yourself you are taking care of everyone else. Now if I could just figure out how to follow my own advice I would be golden . . .

No matter where you are in your postpartum journey and no matter how you are feeling know that there is another mom out there feeling the exact same way. I am having so much guilt right now around how neglectful I am being as a wife and I’m not sure how to even broach the topic, so I think we will save that for Thursday. Oh and the body issues. My god. I hope I am not alone on this. My body the second time around especially has been a hard adjustment for me. There is so much to say, so much to unload but this seems like the place to stop for today.

Thank you for being on this rollercoaster of life and motherhood with me. Leaving below a few photos of the exhaustion and love that is having a new baby Now tell me I am not alone in feeling absolutely insane every single day . . .

xo