POSTPARTUM PART TWO
Continuing on from earlier this week I am here to talk a little more about my postpartum experiences. Let’s just jump right in and talk about all the other bits and pieces I left out from Tuesday. I think for me talking body image, my relationship and how adjusting from one baby to two all during a pandemic actually makes my head spin, so let’s just do it (HA) . . .
No matter how strong your relationship is there is always a huge shift with you and your partner, especially at the beginning. Being all consumed by another being, a very tiny one, meant (for me at least) that my husband’s needs were definitely not at the top of my priority list. Firstly I know without question he never mistook this as me not loving him, however, on my end it felt like I was being a terrible wife on so many levels. This only added to my overall anxiety, and still is currently weighing on me big time. Feeling like you are failing at anything is never a good feeling but feeling like you are failing the person on this parenting journey with you is a whole other thing. I think for me what I often feel bad about is that I don’t necessarily realize I haven’t maybe talked to my husband all day, or that I don’t think about what he’s gone through, my mind is so hyper focused on taking care of two little humans that I just skip over that during the day. The minute he walks through the door I am begging him to help with the boys so I can get us dinner or pee (tell me other people forget to pee throughout the day sometimes, hand to forehead). I know he is exhausted but to me when he goes off to work I feel like he gets a “break”. He only has to worry about himself and when I go to work I have two babies, customers, online orders, in store arrivals, the list goes on and I feel like being an entrepreneur and having the ability to bring my babies to work has also added an entire other element of stress to my life. But a stress that I am grateful for? It’s confusing, anyone following? Anyways, back to relationships and babies . . . I am not going to go into great depth as likely someone in my family will read this, sorry mom, but sex . . . ya no, it is off the table. I hope I am not alone when I say this, but please do not ever bring up sex to me again. Of course I am kidding, but not really . . . This time around especailly I have found it incredibly hard to adjust to being a mom and a wife, and it does not help that I am adjusting to my new body. It all adds up to be quite detrimental to our grown up time and of course makes me feel all kind of guilt over and over again. I don’t think writing this makes me feel any better either but hopefully one of you moms is going to message me and say, girlfriend I get it! Shout out to my husband for still acting like he loves me cause I am putting him through it this time (but also it is his fault in the first place so he has to love me).
How I am feeling about my body is playing a major role in how I feel about intimacy and I wish that was not the case. Every day is different. Some days I wake up and think okay, I don’t look so bad, these sweats are cute, whatever, and other days I wake up and absolutely am horrified that I still slightly look like I could be 6 months pregnant. It is all very confusing and as hard as we all try, especially in this climate of so much content surrounding body positivity, it is still hard to feel comfortable and confident in a body that does not feel like your own. My belly has some weird fat hanging on, my legs have cellulite, my butt is lumpy, and a whole other slew of things I just really am not used to. Other people can tell you how great you look all day long but when you don’t feel great it is really hard to push past those negative thoughts. This is something I am struggling with but something I want to work on so badly. I don’t want to wake up every morning and focus on how my body physically looks, rather I want to wake up and focus on how it feels. I think it is so key that we keep checking ourselves and just moving past these thoughts as hard as it may be. I don’t ever want my negative body image to translate to my children and how they see themselves or others. I think having boys I almost don’t connect that as much as I should, but I do know it is important and it does matter. The pandemic has certainly not helped my anxiety or my late night snacking so I guess there is that too . . .
Going from one kid to two during 2020 has been an absolute rollercoaster. I don’t know what I expected but clearly I had higher expectations of myself. The first day I was fully alone with the boys with no one to help me was day 8 of Watty’s life and I think it probably was the hardest parenting day I have had to date. It is hard to remember for sure because of the complete and utter lack of sleep I had the night before but the number of times I checked the clock and only 3 minutes had passed is a good indication of my sheer panic level. I was a mess. It is messy to have a two year old and a newborn. It is exhausting and honestly it was/ is scary. I’m sure there is no magic trick to transitioning from one baby to two but I think if I have learned anything over the last 3 months it is that it does get easier. The days you think will never end, do. You are doing so much better than you think you are and probably in another year you will miss these crazy early days (I’ll let you know when I get there). This transition has been hard but I would not change it for the world. I know how lucky I am. BUT that does not mean that I don’t get to be overwhelmed from time to time (or every day). We are just doing our best and that is all that matters!
I know this is only scratching the surface on postpartum and there are so many other complexities to this whole thing but what I hope is that, even just one mama, takes away that they are not alone here. We are all struggling even when it looks like we aren’t. So take a deep breath, pour yourself a glass of wine and tap yourself on the back. You are killing it honey!
xo