The Body Post

This has been something I have sat with for as long as I can remember. Something I often want to share, but never really have had the guts to do so. Something I struggle with still to this day. My body. Around the time I turned twenty I really started to focus on my health and fitness. This was largely due to the fact I had recently broken up with a boyfriend and needed an outlet. I found I actually started to love running. It was the only time I was able to focus on nothing. Now this all sounds great, and it was to an extent, however, once I started to lose weight I felt myself lean into this obsession of getting fitter / thinner (let’s be honest it was to be skinny not to be fit and that my friends is the problem). I would run often. Sometimes six or seven days a week. Sometimes more than once a day. I would not feed my body the nutrients it needed after that type of physical activity. I began to eat less and less. I increased my workouts and decreased my eating. It was NOT good. Prior to this I had never struggled with eating. I had always loved food, but I had never had a problem with over indulging, food just wasn’t an “issue”. Does that make sense? That is until I started to realize if I didn’t eat, I would, in fact, get skinnier. I know an amazing revelation. Okay . . . why am I telling you all of this? Well I guess, first and foremost, just to finally share it, but also to explain how this has burdened me for my entire adult life. If this can help anyone at all then it is worth sharing. This is not a feeling I wish on anyone. It has been hard to come back from and honestly, sometimes, I feel like I am still in it. Now let’s venture back to where it really became a problem shall we . . .

Age (almost) 21 - I could literally not be skinny enough. I am 5’11 and was at a weight that I will not even share because it was so unhealthy and I was so proud of it. It makes me cringe to think of it, I physically feel uncomfortable even typing this. I never was someone who weighed myself. Legit by twenty-one I was acting like a different person, a person to this day I am not proud of. BUT, still, not the point. I was getting skinnier and skinnier but truly I would still look at myself and think my god look at that fat on your stomach, or thighs, or butt . . . you get it. I was obsessed with being skinny over everything else. Insert my now husband. Thankfully he came around just before I turned twenty-two and good news is that love really does make you “fat” and happy. By that I mean to say he was so freaking lovely to me I didn’t feel the obsessive need to starve my body (all the time) and work out 24/7. Balance has never been something I am great at. I do things pretty full on and I always want to be the best. Now fast forward again, a few more years, happily dating this lovely man and I was not as skinny as when we first met and it really was something I agonized over when I was alone. If Chris was not going to be around I would make sure I didn’t eat. He always forced me to eat (gasp, how dare he), but when I knew I wasn’t going to be with him I would simply not eat. It worked to an extent, and helped me hold onto a certain level of control over my weight. I just convinced myself it was all about “balance.” Evening writing this now I know how disturbing that sounds. My body image consumed a lot of my time, energy, and thoughts.

Before getting married this obsessive need to be thin was amplified yet again. I wanted to look, you got it, skinny, for the big day. Now this being said I actually did not get as “skinny” as I was planning which looking back I am very thankful for. I was healthier in the final months leading up to the wedding which provided a boost in how I mentally felt about my body, despite not being as thin as I once was. This went back and forth for a few more years as I would gain and lose weight in what still was a relatively unhealthy manner. The losing not the gaining. When I think back to whenever I gained weight it actually was not because of bad food choices but healthy ones, and the fact I was feeding my body when it needed to be fed. That definitely was not something I saw clearly back then. When we started talking about having a baby something just clicked for me. I needed to be healthy. I wanted to be healthy. This would finally begin a journey of self discovery that allowed me to appreciate my body beyond the superficial elements of things like how flat my stomach looked.

Getting pregnant was scary for someone who had focused so much of their early adult life on being thin. I will say, however, it was much easier to embrace than I thought. Chris was obsessed with me eating all the right things and adhered to my every request. To say I was properly taken care of is an understatement. I didn’t mind the weight gain during pregnancy, surprisingly, it actually didn’t bother me at all. What I was scared of was the after. Would my body ever be the same? Would my stomach look weird? Would I have stretch marks? What was going to happen to my boobs? Well, as it turns out, a lot of weird things happen to your body. Despite this after Beau I really didn’t feel like it took that long to “bounce back.” I hate that term because I am coming to the realization I would never want to be bouncing back to what I used to be, but for lack of a better description that is the truth. After Beau my old clothes fit, my scar felt like something I earned, and honestly I felt pretty darn confident in my skin. I’m not sure if it was because of the circumstances of his arrival but I found it easy to appreciate my body and for the first time in my twenties, at the age of 28, I truly did not care if I was skinny, fat, or anything in between. It was such a relief and honestly such a (literal) weight lifted. Now, FAST FORWARD to baby number two.

This time around has been different. Things did not bounce, or bend, or spring, or whatever they are supposed to do, back. My stomach is flabby, my thighs have some serious cellulite, and do not get me started on my ass . . . hold on . . . wait. This is the exact talk I am trying to avoid. Would I ever speak about a friend, or any other woman like this? NO. Why do I feel like the fact my body has changed after having not one but two pregnancies in the course of three years is something I should discount and "blame” for how my body looks. I have struggled this time to see the beauty. I have struggled to see my body change. BUT I want to change that. I am proud of what my body has done for me. After treating it so poorly for almost a decade of my life it has still given me two beautiful, healthy, babies. Like how on earth can I not appreciate my body and respect it for that? I have to.

I have learned that hating your body does not change it. That changing your body does not mean you will not hate it. I’ve learned that loving your body does not mean you can’t want to change it. Right now I am somewhere between loving my body for everything it has done for me, and feeling a pull to lose the weight and get in “shape”. For now I want to acknowledge my feelings and make sure I am kind to myself even if I do need to find a healthier balance. Loving your body for what it is is hard (even when it is “perfect” - trust me). Body things are hard, body image and disordered eating is such a struggle to confront, and I hope that this (very long) post is at least helpful to one other person. Be kind to your body. Being thin does not equate to being healthy. For me my mental health more than anything else was in absolute shambles when I was my thinnest. I was not happy when I was skinnier. In fact I was miserable. Right now, in this very moment, I am the happiest I have ever been, and it has absolutely nothing to do with my body (thank goodness). The size of my clothes, the flatness of my stomach, etc, etc, etc, have absolutely nothing to do with the wonderful life I have. My goal now is to truly embrace everything my body has done for me because at the end of the day I would never go back and change a single thing so I could be skinnier. I would actually go back and give my younger self a little shake, like honey, get over yourself! Eat the cheeseburger. Skip the run. Don’t stand on that scale. And most importantly realize how amazing you are in spite of the way you treat your body. Does that make sense? I hope so.

My goodness this is all so weird to write . . . If you need me, you know where to find me. Sending a little extra love out there to all the women (and especially the mamas) struggling with their body image because babe that body has done some pretty wonderful things. AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT! In light of Valentine’s Day at the end of this week I think the most important thing to do is give yourself a little extra love. Love what your body is now even if you don’t feel it is perfect. Don’t long for what it once was, or what you wish it to be. What it is right this minute is perfect. Cheers to being strong, healthy and happy wherever you are on your self love journey.

P.S. Please excuse any drastic gramatical and/or spelling errors as I was a bit nervous to re-read this, so I did not, oops . . .

xo